Date:	2010-02-08 17:51
Subject:	bits
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

- I enjoyed the Superbowl yesterday, it was a good game and the team I was cheering for won.  As for the commercials I really liked the VW punch bug ad, and the snickers ad with Betty White.  But I think my favorite was the Google ad, which told a whole story just using their search features.  It was simple and lovely.

- I am officially back at work.  meh.

- I have done pretty well in my first week of February goals.  I only kind of got my vegetables on two different days - when I made tuna casserole and just let the onions, mushrooms and red pepper in the casserole count as my serving, and yesterday when my vegetable was mini twice-baked potatoes.  But other than vegetable equivocating I've been right on for everything else.  Of course, now that I'm working again things will start to get more difficult.

- I have been sleepy all day, which doesn't really make sense given that I got nine hours of sleep last night.  Maybe it was too much?

- And the poll for LJ Idol is up here.  This week is another week of partners and notbatman was mine, votes for both of us would be greatly appreciated.   The voting is open until Wednesday night.

Date:	2010-02-06 18:06
Subject:	LJ Idol week 13: apathy
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

It’s the end of the world.

The Incan calendar is running out of pages. The zombie uprising is inevitable. South Korea now has a button of their very own, and I, for one, plan to welcome our new alien overlords. Here in California there have been a few more earthquakes than usual, and the wildfires have been burning hotter and longer. The weather patterns are getting nastier all over the world and people occasionally get on planes with bombs.

Change is coming. I don’t know what will change or how catastrophic it will be, but something is coming. You can feel it tingle on the back of your neck. What can we do? I can tell you what I am doing. 

Nothing.

I know about the things I’m supposed to have done. I should have an emergency kit for the apartment with food, water, basic medications, and survival gear. There should be another smaller kit in the car, along with a baseball bat or ax (don’t forget the zombies). My boyfriend and I should have selected a meeting place where we could find each other in case our cell phones become unusable. I should have a week’s worth of my prescription medicine with me at all times. 

But all of those things are a lot of work. It’s not like you can do them once and be done either, items in a safety kit should be gone through every six months to check for expiration dates and to rotate newer items in. A kit is only as good as what’s in it after all, and that takes regular maintenance. 

Creating a safety kit has been on my long term to do list for at least two years. I found a website that has a good list of what to include, and other sensible advice. It wouldn’t be too difficult to print out the list and go shopping, just to get it done. Then again, for two years I haven’t needed one. So why deal with the expense and finding the space? 

Who wants to think about what you might need to survive if the world as we know it ends? Bad things can and do happen but I’d rather not dwell on that. I’d rather be happy right now than be horribly worried about what may come. It’s better to live in blissful-- well if not ignorance, then avoidance.

***This is my entry for lucky week 13 of LJ Idol, the topic was apathy.  We have partners again this week so you should go and read notbatman 's entry on current events that he can get into.  Voting will open up on Monday, I'll post a link then.***

Date:	2010-02-05 18:55
Subject:	Friday night bits
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

- I will be making a tuna noodle casserole for dinner this evening, starting with tuna steaks.  I don't cook all that often and using more expensive ingredients always makes me nervous.

- J is helping a friend out this weekend so I won't see him from 7a on Saturday until the start of the game on Sunday.  Having a day and a half entirely to myself is both good and bad.  I'd rather get to spend the time with J, but it gives me a chance to do some really exciting things like vacuum the apartment, do my taxes, and see a few more movies.  It's going to be party central around here.

- This week in Idol we get to write something new from the same set of five topics, with a new partner.  I'm working on a first draft now, though amusingly I came up with an idea I really like for a different topic which I may have to find a way to write sometime soon.  Or maybe I'll hold onto it for when Gary has us do the same thing again next week.

 

Date:	2010-02-03 11:25
Subject:	bits
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

- I saw my surgeon for a followup yesterday.  Everything is benign and exactly what we expected - so there's no higher risk factors for anything going forward.  Yay!  My breast is healing well and I get to take off the steri-strips this weekend and see the scar.

- My period decided to start two days early this week, and come with bonus cramps.  I am still hoping this also means it'll end two days early, but I wouldn't bet on that.

- I'm good so far on my February goals. 

- My boyfriend made blueberry muffins from scratch last night.  Mmmmm, but I'm not letting them count as my fruit serving for the day, that would be cheating.

Date:	2010-02-01 11:33
Subject:	five February goals
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions this year.  I'm bad at them anyway - a year is too long and I always make them too big.  So I'm trying something new.   I'm setting a list of goals for the month of February.  28 days seems doable and forces me to stay smaller.

These are all about health/weight.  Since the surgeries last summer I gave myself permission to not worry about food or exercise much.  Well, stepping on the scale this morning I'm up near the heaviest I've ever been and it's time to start paying attention again.  Especially given that according to the anecdotal evidence it's going to be harder for me to lose any weight now that I'm on hormone pills instead of having an active thyroid.

Here are the goals:
1) floss daily
2) stretch daily
3) move for at least 20 minutes daily
4) have at least one serving each of fruit and vegetables daily
5) No fast food restaurants

( Here are more details if you're interested. )

I'll report back on Mondays.  If anyone wants to join in or set some February goals of their own that would be awesome.  It's usually a little easier to follow through on things like this if you know someone else is doing it too.

Date:	2010-01-31 13:49
Subject:	Apparently I'm right handed and left breasted...
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow

...at least for now.  ( Have a breast update. )

-  My parents got me a lovely, lightweight merino wool sweater for Christmas.  I've worn it once, and washed it once (I would usually let wool go a few wearings before washing, but I didn't want to immortalize my niece's spit up).  And now it has a hole.  It's about the diameter of a pencil, and it's on the front, though luckily off to the side a bit so it's not immediately noticable.  Does anyone have suggestions about how to fix it - mostly I don't want the hole getting any bigger.  I could put a funky patch on it, though that would change the garment to being much less dressy.  I'm just bummed, the sweater was a great weight for here in CA.

-  Voting is up for LJ Idol here.  We're all in one giant tribe again - though our scores will be added to our partners for our final total, with the two lowest scoring pairings going home.  I would appreciate your vote for both myself and my lovely partner shadowwolf13 .  And while you're over there you should read as much as you can.  There are some neat entries this week, especially with the added fun (stress?) of writing with a partner.  I am debating doing a recommendation list, since there are a few that stood out for me. 

-  This weekend has been quiet so far, which I am enjoying.  I have to keep reminding myself that I go back on contract in just over a week, which means there are a few things that need to get done sooner rather than later.  But the calm has been nice.

Date:	2010-01-28 17:12
Subject:	bits
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

-  It was sunny with blue skies when I woke up this morning.  That hasn't happened in ages.

- J's former roommate arrived today, he's crashing with us for between one and two weeks while he designs a show.  I think I got everything that could be embarrassing put away.

- My post for this week's LJ Idol is up.  We're working with partners, and I'll be curious to see exactly how this plays out.  I wonder if the voting will still be by individual and then combined, or if we'll be voted on as a team.  It was intriguing watching the remaining players, who are mostly adults, go into classic gym class "please don't me be the last one picked" mode when this twist was announced.

- I slept funny on Tuesday night and pulled something in my back.  It's better today but still sore.  Heat helps it, and ice is best for the soreness in my breast.  So I'm going to go lay flat on my back on a heating pad, with an ice pack on my chest.  Getting old is silly.

Date:	2010-01-28 10:47
Subject:	LJ Idol week 12: Moments of Devastating Beauty
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

The worst part is the itching. My skin reacts horribly to paper tape, always has. My doctor told me to leave the bandage on for 24 hours, the nurses at the surgery center said 48. I fell somewhere in between; this morning I just couldn’t wait any longer.

Standing in front of the mirror I face the next dilemma. Should I slowly peel back the tape, or rip it away quickly? The first piece comes up easily – and takes the iodine goop that was put over seemingly half my chest with it. Hopefully that means I’ll get to keep a little more of my skin.

I work my way around the heavy gauze pad, starting at the center top by my sternum and working down. One full side of the gauze pad is free, but I decide to not look underneath it yet. I move to the tape that is under my arm, and work from the top down on that side too. (Oh, I peel slowly to get enough tape up for leverage, then hold my skin tight and rip. I’d rather it be over sooner.)

Soon all the tape is free and the weight of the gauze pulls the bandage down, away from my skin. I carefully fold it and place it in the trash. With a deep breath, I look in the mirror.

It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. In fact my breast almost looks psychedelic, dark yellow to the outside and center where the iodine goop didn’t get pulled away by the tape, bright red where all the tape has just come up, a few dark spots of bruising, a brick red section of dried blood that hadn’t been completely wiped away. The small piece of tape that is over the stitches is white and about 2” long. It’s opaque so I can’t see how large the incision site is, or tell what my new scar is going to look like yet. 

My favorite part is the three sets of initials inked just inside the red area, mine, the nurse’s, and my doctor’s. We had joked as they wheeled me to the operating room that it looked like I was going to a rock concert instead of surgery, or as my doctor said, I had been to a bad tattoo artist.

I made the decision to have surgery two months ago. After a needle biopsy showed a single intraductal papilloma my doctor recommended getting it removed. It was a quick surgery done under a local. The only probable complication is that if I decide to have children I may not be able to nurse from my right breast. Intraductal means “in the duct” and at least one of mine has now been removed. That made me pause for a moment. I currently don’t intend to have children, but I dislike having options taken away from me. In the end I decided the peace of mind was worth it. 

Looking at myself in the mirror I see that my nipple is pointing a little downward, that my breast looks a bit collapsed, even though he didn’t remove very much tissue. That scares me. Even after the shower I look like I’ve been beaten up; the dark yellow of the iodine looks like faded bruises.  I have a blister where some of the tape overlapped and trapped a fold of skin, and the opaque tape is obviously hiding a wound. My skin still tingles and feels tight from the tape.  Whether or not I’m looking at myself, I’m still hyper aware of what has happened, and what has changed. 

I’m a little broken, but it won’t last forever. What is left is a healthy whole. The new scar to add to my collection only makes me more beautiful.

shadowwolf13

Date:	2010-01-26 13:43
Subject:	getting dressed is difficult
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

I am not wearing a bra today.  The large surgical pad on my right breast would make that difficult in any case, and I don't want to get the industrial strength iodine goop still on my skin on any more clothes than I have to.  But I am planning to leave my apartment.  Thus the hunt for clothes to wear.

I started with a base layer of an undershirt.  It is v-necked and white, so it is visible under most of my shirts which looks a little odd but not crazy.  Whatever I wear has to be heavy enough to help shield the left breast which has only the t-shirt, and ideally help disguise the square pad on the right.  But this is CA and it's not parka weather today so I was trying to avoid too many layers.

After a few tries I'm wearing the undershirt with a lightweight sweater.  The necklines are different so it looks like I'm being very proper.   I do look unbalanced though, and I don't think I own anything bulky enough to hide that.  I guess today is when I find out how many people take the time to notice my boobs.

- The surgery today went fine.  It was 2.5 hours from the time I walked in the door to check in to the time I left.  Having only a local means they don't need to keep you under observation for nearly as long.  It was a little strange to be awake and able to chat with the doctor who was inside my body while he was doing it (he commented when he found the marker that had been left after the needle biopsy) but everyone in the room was really nice.  And they did have a curtain thingy up in front of my face so I couldn't see anything.  The only thing I could even remotely feel was the stitches at the end.  In fact, right now the IV spot (on the side of my left wrist  just below my thumb - weird) hurts more than my breast.  Or that could be the vicodin.  Now it's just waiting for the results of the biopsy.

- The nurse who did my admitting and leaving paperwork had also had a full thyroidectomy for cancer nearly 20 years ago  - we compared scares and hormone dosages.

- I admit to some schadenfreude watching Brett Farve throw an interception at the end of the NFC championship game yesterday.  It's not very nice, and I do still really like him as a player, but watching him in that purple just makes me nasty.  Had he still been with the Jets I would have cheered for him all the way.  I also like this Saints team and really wanted them to make it, so I wasn't only cheering negatively.

- I have two more weeks before I'm back on contract at the theatre.  I'm planning to still take this week off, and then I'll start back to some stuff next week so I can ease in.

- It's still more grey here than not, and raining occasionally.  I like it.

- To add to the list that is the awesomeness of J - he offered to sleep on the couch tonight so there would be no chance he could bump me.  It shouldn't be necessary, but was sweet.

Date:	2010-01-21 12:57
Subject:	bits
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

I made it back from WI. The trip home was a lot of fun. In no particular order:
-Mom and Dad cooked several of my favorite meals (weight loss plans will activate shortly).
-I got to attend the family Christmas for Mom's side of the family - only one cousin and one aunt and uncle weren't there. I haven't seen some of those cousins in years and years, and had never met some of their kids. It was fun.
-J was in our family picture (as he should be).
-I finally got to meet the twins, who are adorable. And the older kids are still fun too. (I can't imagine how my brother and sister-in-law do it, the house was hectic with six adults and four kids and they're usually only two people. Guh.)
-Mom and my cousin who just started college and I went out to lunch and shopping, which was a lovely afternoon.
-Dad got me a gift that wasn't supposed to be for any holiday, but just a present from a Father to a Daughter. I'll have to talk more about that later, it was incredibly sweet.
-Dad especially and Mom a little were more clingy this time, I think my having been sick last summer affected them more than either of them want to say. Which makes sense, it's just strange because living through it everything has been a logical progression, and they hadn't seen my since March.

***

It is wet here. I enjoy the rain, and last night there was even thunder and lightning. Luckily I don't have many places to be since the best place to enjoy a rain storm is inside.

***

I have a doctor's appt this afternoon, it's the check up before the surgery on Monday (this is to remove the intraductal papilloma from my breast). I alternate between being a little nervous about this, and feeling like it's no big deal.  I still need to put together my list of questions, though I think I can use the list from the last surgeries as a good starting point.

***

There's new Supernatural and Burn Notice tonight!  And I'm planning to take myself to see The Princess and the Frog as long as my appointment ends in time.  Yay for moving pictures to put into my brain.

Date:	2010-01-15 11:56
Subject:	home again
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

- I am safely in WI.  Our second flight here got delayed, but not too late.  It's good to be home, I haven't made it to WI since last March and a lot has happened since then.

- On the first flight yesterday they were showing a movie I actually wanted to see (The Informant!).  It's one of the movies that is on my list but not in theatres anymore and has no release date on DVD.  Of course, I got on the plane and almost immediately fell asleep so I didn't realize that was the movie until I woke up and it was more than half over. 

- Tonight the whole family will be in my parent's house for the first time in at least five years.  The last time this happened there was only one niece in the mix, now there are four nieces and nephews.  I am really excited to finally meet the twins.

- I will not be checking here this weekend, with four kids running around I don't think I'll have much time to sit at the computer.  Have a wonderful weekend everyone, and enjoy the three days off if you have them.

Date:	2010-01-13 20:44
Subject:	LJ Idol week 10: Open topic
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

In the early 1920’s Maria and Jack were in love. Her family didn’t approve of him, so they had to sneak dates and kisses, but they were determined to make it work. Then Maria found out she was pregnant. She and Jack were overjoyed, but knew that her parents would try to separate them. The parents had already introduced Maria to many ‘suitable’ men hoping to persuade her to leave Jack, but it never worked. 

A few months into the pregnancy something went wrong. Not horribly, but the doctors wanted to keep Maria in the hospital, on bed rest, for the remainder of her term. She didn’t like being cooped up, and knew that Jack would face some difficulties in getting to see her, but she settled in for the months ahead.

But Jack never came to visit. She wrote him letter after letter and he never answered. She asked her parents if they had seen Jack and they said no. They said this was a sign of Jack’s character. They said that if he was willing to run away from her when she was in need she should give up on him, and marry someone else so that her child would have a father.

Andrew was one of the suitors she had met before her pregnancy. He was nice, if a little older than she was. From the first week she was in the hospital he stopped by every few days with flowers, or a bit of candy, or just to chat. Some days she refused to see him, still waiting desperately for Jack to return. But after two months she began to really listen to Andrew, and to get to know him.

About six weeks before her due date, Andrew proposed. He told her that he loved her dearly, and would always take care of her and her child. He would claim the child as his own so they could be a true family. Maria didn’t know what to do. She realized now that Jack hadn’t ever loved her the way she loved him, and that he wasn’t coming back. She didn’t want to raise the baby by herself, and Andrew was a sweet, kind man who would take care of them. She accepted his proposal, and they were married with her still in a hospital bed. Their daughter was born, and she found herself falling in love with him as the years passed. 

~~~~

But Jack hadn’t given up on Maria. He wrote her letters daily, and tried desperately to see her in the hospital. But as an unwed woman of the time her parents spoke for her. They saw her mail before she did, and took any letters from Jack and burned them. They created a list of approved visitors and only the people on the list were allowed up to the floor where Maria was staying. 

One day, Maria’s father knocked on Jack’s door. Without a word he handed Jack a newspaper folded so that the wedding announcement of Andrew and Maria was right on top. Jack read it slowly, and then again. He looked at Maria’s father and said “I’ll never bother her again. I guess she didn’t love me the way I loved her after all.” And he left town shortly thereafter.

~~~~

I am not quite sure what to think of this story. Because it’s true.* The daughter of Jack and Maria, that Andrew claimed as his own, was my grandmother. The romantic part of me wishes that somehow Jack had gotten through the barricades put up by Great-Great-Grandparents I never knew, and found his love. But Andrew, my Great-Grandfather? He really was the kindest, sweetest man; he did amazing things in his lifetime. And he loved us all so very much. 

When I heard this story I had to ask my mom a question. “Does that mean that I’m not actually related to Great-Grandpa by blood at all?” The answer was yes, but I was told never to bring it up. And how could I? This was my first, and most lasting, lesson in family being the people you choose, not just blood.  I choose my Great-Grandpa Andrew, blood or not.   And I always will.

* The basic details are true. I’ve imagined bits of it and changed the names. I only remember hearing this story once when I was in high school, it’s something we never talked about much, so any mistakes are entirely my own.

@@@This is my entry for week 10 of LJ Idol – it’s an open topic week so we could write about anything we wanted. I will likely post a link to the poll once it is up on Saturday.  Thank you for reading.@@@

- Colorado was lots of fun.  We mostly just did the visit family thing, and I really like all of J's siblings.

- It is nice to be at home and have time off.  Of course, the number of things that I have put off waiting for free time over the last five months have now all jumped up and attacked me.  My to do list is beyond long, and includes things like maybe putting art up on the walls of the apartment we've lived in for 6 months.

- I am once again pursuing my goal of seeing as many movies (nominated for Oscar's) as possible.  Of course the Oscar nominations haven't come out yet - but the Golden Globes and SAG award noms are usually a good guide, so that's where I started.

- In that spirit I've seen seven movies in the theatre this week, all but one at matinee prices.  Ah, unemployment.  The list is:  Nine, A Single Man, The Young Victoria, It's Complicated, Sherlock Holmes, Precious, and Fantastic Mr. Fox.  My favorite of them is A Single Man, but you certainly have to be willing to be depressed for a bit to see it.

- We got home last Tuesday evening, and we leave Thursday morning for WI.  Yay for the crazy travel schedule and lots of family.  I am very excited to finally meet the twins!

Date:	2010-01-07 21:15
Subject:	LJ Idol week 9: the better half
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

I have one brother, who is 20 months younger than I am. So there was a time when I was an only child, but I don’t remember that. What I mostly remember about growing up is being told to share with my brother.

Occasionally either he or I got something of our very own, which was always a treat. But especially when it came to food, it was share and share alike. Equal amounts of veggies (blech) and dessert (yum) for everyone. And always, the comments:

“His piece looks bigger than mine.”
“Her piece has more frosting than mine does.”
“He only has eight green beans and I have ten.”
“Her cookie has more chocolate chips than mine.”

Once we were both in school Mom got tired of listening to us bicker. So she devised a system. It’s not really new; a version of it dates back to Solomon. But it revolutionized dinner time at our house.

Mom introduced her new plan on a night when there was one piece of cake left that both my brother and I were after. Mom told us we had to split it, which we expected. Then she handed me the knife and told me I could cut it. I nearly giggled I was so excited. I wasn’t planning to be totally unfair; I was thinking a 75 / 25 split. After all, I was the older sibling. Then Mom revealed the sneakiness of her plan. I would be cutting the cake, but Paul would have first pick of which half he wanted. I wanted to complain, but one look at Mom’s face told me I was going to get nowhere.

Never was a piece of cake so carefully observed and measured. I wanted to split that piece exactly in half, not even 49 / 51 would do. After all, this time if Paul got more than I did it would be my fault. I continued to study the cake carefully. Finally Mom told me to just make the cut already, I did, and then Paul made his choice. And it was fine.

This became standard operating procedure for desserts. The knife and the first choice of pieces always went to opposite people. Suddenly dinner time got calmer. Paul and I both became very adept at making sure the item being cut was being split in exactly half. We also started to talk to each other. He thinks frosting is the best part of the cake and I think it’s too sweet. So we were able to start splitting things in a way that made us both feel like we had the better half.

And I thought my Mom was the smartest person ever.

@@@This is my entry for week 9 of LJ Idol - the topic is “the better half”. I will post a link to the poll once it is up on Friday.  Thank you for reading.@@@

Date:	2009-12-31 12:14
Subject:	bits
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed

- My Christmas was lovely.  I was done with work at 12:30 on Christmas eve, and made it up to where J and I were house sitting.  We spent a quiet two days, cooking some good food, watching Christmas movies, and walking to look at the lights in the neighborhood.  It was nice to spend more than 24 hours in a row with J, and nice to have some down time.

- Speaking of Christmas movies The Christmas Cottage (with Jared P) is perfectly nice to watch on Christmas day, but the cheese factor would make it near unbearable if you get too far away.  Wow.

- The show has closed.  The final weekend was fine and I got all my stuff out and dumped at my office.  I will have to go back and spend a few hours actually collating all the paperwork and making it tidy, but it is over.  Which is a very good thing.

- The cold has faded out, which is nice.  Luckily I never got hit too hard, people were picking it up backstage left and right by the time we finished.

- My last day at Klutz was Tuesday.  We took inventory this week which is a bit of an adventure - counting the books by hand isn't a big deal, but counting the extra stuff which tends to come in boxes of 100-200 items is tedious.  It was particularly exciting when a count was exact, that was pretty rare.  But it kept us busy, since the order rush is definitely over.

- If you're counting that means today is my second day off in a row.  I haven't had two days off in a row since early August.  This is a beautiful thing.

- We flew into Colorado last night.  I am meeting the rest of J's family and just generally enjoying not being at work.  We'll be in Fort Collins for the weekend, and then Denver for a night before we head back.  I am trying to remember how to layer for the cold.

- Happy New Year everyone!  I hope your holidays have been merry and bright.

- I have a cold.  I could feel it starting on Sunday, and by yesterday it was full blown nasty.  I stood in line at the pharmacy this morning and handed over my license to get real drugs so hopefully today will be better.

- I bailed out of the three hours I was supposed to be at Klutz this morning (with permission) which means there are no more days I have to work both places.  Today, Saturday, and Sunday are two show days at the theatre, and I'm at Klutz for tomorrow the 24th, and next Monday-Wednesday.  Then I'm done with this insanity having learned that I am too old for this shit.

- Our tribe for LJ Idol has immunity this week (no one can be voted out) so I didn't post the link.  It's nice to have one less (however silly) stress in my life this week.

- I'll be online all day today to keep myself awake during the shows, but probably disappearing shortly thereafter.  So I wish you a very merry Christmas (or other holiday of your choice) everyone on my flist.  I hope this week brings you happiness.

- It was pointed out this morning that while we have only six days of working on this show left, we have 11 shows to do.  I am concentrating on the six days.

- In my car this morning running errands I heard both "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Parents Just Don't Understand" on the radio.  It was awesome!

- I managed to do fifteen minutes of shopping in a Barnes and Noble when my coupon is for Boarders.  At least I realized it before I tried to check out with something.  *facepalm*

- I am still hoping to have a flash of brilliance for a gift for J.  I do have something for him, but he just means so much to me, and has been so great through all of my hospital stuff.  I feel like I should have something cooler, something bigger for him.  But I can't figure out what.

- Only a few more days until my first day off in nearly a month (I'll have worked 28 days straight).  If I ever decide to do this again someone kick me.

- My entry for LJ Idol this week feels like the outline of a bigger story in my head, I know stuff about that world that didn't make it into the piece.  That's a little strange, I haven't had a world pop into my head like that in a long time.  I'm debating sitting down in January after the crazy and trying to write the whole story.  Debating because it would be cool to write again like that, but it would take time and then what would I do with it?

- I'm seeing picture of the snow out east and feeling jealous.  Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying the gorgeous 60 degree weather here, but it just isn't the holidays without snow.

Date:	2009-12-17 21:00
Subject:	LJ Idol week 8: reprobate
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

There were always ten. They were marked with sigils burned into their foreheads, their chests, and their forearms. They stayed in the dark places, because though no one wanted anything to do with them, they weren’t allowed to leave.

The religion of the village taught that God had planned the world from its glorious beginning to its needful end. Everything had been accounted for and lovingly crafted by God. The saved had been on the rolls of the saved for all eternity. The damned had likewise always been damned.

Generations ago, the villagers began to abandon ten of their own to the fires, and mark them so there could be no mistake. Those marked were the damned -- cast out and forgotten, nameless, the reprobate. The rest of the village could live content, knowing that heaven waited for them with open arms. The quota for hell had been filled.

When it was necessary to replace one of the ten, all of the ten-year-olds in the village were gathered. Each spoke to the priest individually, and then the priest performed a (private) ceremony where the name of the chosen child was revealed to him. He would walk out into the square with terrible solemnity and say the child’s name aloud for the last time.

(The holiest among them worried that ten was not enough. The tithe was set when the village was much smaller, and ten was a goodly number. Now it was possible not to know the child, or their family’s name. But they looked at their neighbors and their own children, and couldn’t bring themselves to speak.)

The chosen child was branded and cast out. They rarely lived more than a dozen years. Sometimes they slipped into the wilderness around the village and simply disappeared. (After three months they were declared gone, and a replacement was chosen.)  Some simply couldn’t survive in isolation. Some became great difficulties for the village, for if you’re already damned, what is there you cannot do? The village bore the wild ones as best they could; knowing that it was part of their sacrifice.

The one who had been Thomas was different. He was nearly 30 years old, and lived quietly in a clearing near the village. When he was cast out a similarly marked teenage boy had explained the rules they now lived under, and taught him to hunt and care for himself. The Man saw grace in that action, which confused him mightily for years. He had been a pious child, and knew that it was right that some be damned so others could be saved. But how could a damned man, for whom there was no hope, be so kind? The Man began to doubt.

The Man followed the rules, showing himself to the village once a week so they knew he was still present, still bearing their burden. But he also took in those newly marked, and taught them what he could. He hunted well, and left meat for his parents and the priest. He tried to be the best person he could possibly be under the circumstances. And the doubt that had begun years before grew in his heart.

After all, the choices of men are not the choices of God. Are they?


@@@This is my entry for week 8 of LJ Idol - the topic is “reprobate”. I will post a link to the poll once it is up on Sunday. Thank you for reading.@@@

I'm finally making this post. If you want a holiday card from me, please leave your address in the comments. Comments will be screened. If I've sent you a card before chances are good I do still have your address, cause I'm organized like that, but feel free to respond again to make sure.

There is one caveat this year - I won't be sending any cards until January. (I let my whole family know, the only people I'm going to have Christmas done on time for this year are the folks under the age of ten, everyone else just has to wait.) But hey, it's still mail, right? Right?