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LJ Idol week 5: Open topic


How the child Rebecca learned about the mechanics of sex, a story told in two acts.



I was five, and was on the way home from preschool. We had spent the day writing letters to Santa Claus about what we wanted for Christmas, so I was still wrapped up in childish holiday greed. As I rode home I told the woman who drove the carpool all about my day. 


When we got to my house the carpool lady got out of the car to walk me to the door where my mom met us. The carpool lady said “Rose, I understand congratulations are in order.” 


My mom looked at both of us for a second and said, confusedly “Well thank you, but I’m not sure why.” 


“Rebecca told me that you’re expecting another child.”


“No I’m not pregnant; I’m not sure where she would have gotten that idea.”


At this point I stomped up the four stairs to our back door. I spun around on the landing, hands on my hips, and near tears I shouted, “You weren’t supposed to tell her! It was going to be a surprise!”



See, I had asked for a new baby brother or sister for Christmas. And I had been a very good girl so I assumed it was a done deal. Why would Mom need to know about that?


After Mom and the carpool lady got over their giggles, Mom came to talk to me. She explained that neither storks nor Santa could bring babies. Babies only happened when a Mommy and a Daddy loved each other very much (accurate, if short on detail). Then the baby would grow in a Mommy’s tummy. That was my introduction to the idea of sex, to the idea that there were things grown-ups did that I didn’t know anything about.




In the third grade, our small Catholic school sent home a permission slip to find out if my parents agreed to my going to a short sex-education class. Mom signed the slip and told me that if I had any questions that I didn’t feel comfortable asking the teacher I could come home and ask her.


On the appointed day all the girls grade three and up who had signed permission slips were brought to the Chorus room. We saw slides of a cutaway uterus and fallopian tubes, and a penis and testicles. Everything was named scientifically. The teachers briefly explained about menstruation, and what purpose it served, and when we could expect to begin getting periods of our very own. We were told that after the man planted the seed, a woman would begin to grow a baby. They showed us illustrations of a baby at different stages of development. Then they asked if there were any questions. I sat quietly.


When I got home Mom was waiting in the kitchen to ask about my day. She asked about the sex-ed class and we talked about what I had learned. Then she asked me if I had any questions. I nodded. There was one thing I hadn’t been able to figure out.


“How does the man plant the seed?”



In my defense they don’t really explain the act with tab-A, slot-B clarity to grade schoolers. And my nine year old brain certainly didn’t go there. I had it all figured out, to make a baby a Mommy and a Daddy had to kiss in a special way and wish really hard (still accurate, still missing a few key details). After all parents who loved each other kissed, and I knew that not everyone who wanted a baby got one immediately so I figured the wishing had to be just right. But I couldn’t mesh my kissing theory with everything I had learned that day. For starters, it seemed really inefficient to put all the necessary parts so far away from the mouth.


To her credit, Mom didn’t laugh or dither. She explained that a Daddy had to put his penis into a Mommy’s vagina to make a baby. My reaction to fully understanding the sexual act for the first time?


“Ewww, gross!! I am never, ever going to have sex or a baby.  What if he pees in there? Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”



@@@This is my entry for week 5 of LJ Idol – open topic.  (Give me no prompt and my brain goes to sex.  No surprise there.)  I'll post a link to the poll on Friday once it is up.  Thank you for reading.@@@

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It's a good thing my coworker in the next office is not there because I just burst out laughing! hahahahahhahahah

Yay! I figured everyone else could use a laugh this week, and it was fun to write this down.

Thanks for reading!

LMAO! That was awesome

Yay! I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.

Thanks for reading.

i'm glad i set my tea down before reading this! LOL!

Hmm, it didn't occur to me to give a liquid warning. I may have to consider it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading.

Hey, wait a minute.

What if you pee on him? Did your third-grade self ever consider his feelings?

No I can't say that my third grade self thought of that. Really, my third grade self was simply determined to never, ever see a penis again.

*dies of laughing*

Oh god, this only shows me what I have to look forward to with my two boys...

help! *grin* Great post!

Yay for laughter!

Oh yeah, between my brother and I we asked our mother some crazy things while we were kids. She always answered us though, which I am hugely grateful for.




Great post. :)

I am honestly surprised that with an open topic more people aren't writing about sex. Perhaps that's just me.

I'm glad it made you laugh, thanks!

awesome post! And of course, I had to read it out to the office since they were trying to do their prepro work in silence and I was in the corner giggling. Now we're all discussing our first times (of getting the sex talk).


I hope everyone else has fun birds and bees stories too, it's funny to me how differently that introduction happens for different people.

and I'm glad I got a giggle out of you. Whee!

I have to share this with you... In my area, grade 7 is when sex-education begins... and it was called, "Family Life". My teacher, after i asked her what French kissing was... she told me to ask mom when I got home. She explained it to me... I proudly said, "I am so glad I am not French". LOL Understand I was 13 then, so I didn't have the language understanding the other kids in my class did... so I started Family Life in grade six.

HA! I remain surprised that my little Catholic school offered any kind of sex-ed to grade schoolers but it makes so much sense given all of the things we've 'figured out' for ourselves.

Hehe, thanks Rebecca. I have a fantastic image of 5 year old Rebecca, stamping her feet angry that her wish-list was out.

Very cute.

Oh yeah, I was big on stamping my feet when I was little.


haha. This is great read and I loved reading it. Thanks!

(Me and the hubby joke that we're going to say, "When a man and woman love each other very much and they're not careful ... " to our daughter when she asks!)

and they're not careful..
Heh! I spent years and years thinking that sex was only about making babies thanks to that good catholic upbringing. The news that it could just be fun blew my mind.

Thanks for your kind words.

“Ewww, gross!! I am never, ever going to have sex or a baby. What if he pees in there? Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”

agreed. i remember having some thoughts along the same line. it just sounded so.. unclean.

Even as a grownup who enjoys sex I still think it's messy sometimes.

Lol. This was quite excellent.

When I took sex ed, they told me that having sex was like plugging something into an extension cord. Lol.

I really like the plugging something in analogy, though I imagine that would have made me afraid to touch extension cords for years.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks!

I loved this entry! First, I hadn't realized that Catholic schools would do any sort of sex education at all. Good on them!

My public school didn't so I was twenty and married before I saw the male apparatus for the first time.

I nearly cut it off, thinking there was a snake in the bed, and my reaction to it was about on par with your younger self.


I've always been surprised that my little catholic school did that class, even if everything was geared towards making babies (which is of course the only goal of sex). I can't believe that you went to schools that didn't offer some kind of sex-ed at some point - that is crazy.

But yeah I think the first time most girls have to deal with a penis in any situation ew is the only likely reaction. (I'm glad you didn't cut it off though, and I'm sure your husband is too.)