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LJ Idol week 12: My Favorite Story

This is the last cute learning about sex story from my childhood - I promise.


How the Green Bay Packers taught me about oral sex.


It was the fall of the year and I was 12 or 13. Green Bay Packer star wide-receiver James Lofton was arrested for allegedly forcing a woman to perform oral sex on him in the back stairway of a club. I grew up in a town 15 miles west of Green Bay so obviously this was huge news – it was in every paper and on every local news program. 


I was confused.


I knew what oral was – having to do with the mouth. And I was very secure with my tab A / slot B catholic school sex-ed knowledge of the workings of sex. But I could not figure out how the two went together. I knew that kissing wasn’t sex, but what else would your mouth be doing? 


Even worse, the woman ‘performed’ oral sex. What the hell did that mean? Performed? Were there costumes, and jazz hands, and makeup, and a little song? Did they have to rehearse? (Well, probably not since he allegedly forced her, and I understood that perfectly well.) I could not figure this out, and it bothered me.


So one night, after at least a week of this story being everywhere, Dad turned on the TV after dinner. My brother and I were helping Mom clear the table. Behold, the announcer began talking about the ‘Lofton case’ again. I was fed up with not getting it so the time had come. “Mom,” I asked, “what is oral sex?”


My dad ‘hrmphed’ and kept his eyes very carefully trained on the TV, glad I had identified a parent to query and that it wasn’t him. My brother looked interested, after all I had used the word sex, this could be good. Mom just sighed a little and told Brother that he was done helping and to go watch TV with Dad. She and I went into the kitchen to talk.


Mom explained to me the mechanics of oral sex. I had the natural tween reaction of “Eeeuuuuuuwww”. Then I asked Mom if she didn’t want to have his penis in her mouth, why didn’t the lady just bite him? Mom got an odd look on her face and said she wasn’t sure, but that I might understand that a little better when I was older. Then I helped Mom with the dishes and we talked about something else entirely. I had my answer; I didn’t need to worry about it any more.


And that is how the Green Bay Packers were responsible for my discovery of the workings of oral sex.


However, I continue to be confused by the use of the verb ‘perform’ in this context.


@@@This is my entry for week 12 of LJ Idol – the topic is ‘my favorite story’.  This is certainly one of my favorites to tell. Per usual, I'll post a link to the poll on Friday once it is up.  Thank you for reading.@@@

That was great.
I was very intrigued by the title of your entry and could not, for the life of me, imagine what I would find in your entry.


Heh. That's always how I start telling the story, and it usually leads to a few weird looks until I get about halfway through.

I'm glad you liked it.

My keyboard thanks you for the bath... I'm gonna ponder that "perform" thing for a while now...!

I hope it was a gentle water (or other easily cleaned liquid) bath. Yeah, 'performing' sex acts has always confused me.

I could think of various ways to perform .... ;)

Wonderful entry!

Hee. I think that might be a different entry.

Thanks so much!

Jazz Hands! ha!

Funny story! Thanks for sharing it.

I was a theatre geek even then so performing was a very specific thing.

I'm glad it made you laugh.

oh my goodness, this story had me laughing so loudly in the booth, I got shushed by my actors.

I love this entry! I hope it wins!


Right now it's more about getting enough votes to not be 'voted out'. We're still a long way away from anyone winning. But thanks for the support.

Thanks. That's how I always start the story, it's fun to watch eyebrows raise while folks wonder where things are going.

Loved reading this. Good job!

Oh man, yours is better than my french kissing story when I had asked Mom what that was about!!!!

I asked my mom some strange questions when I was a kid - I took her at her word that I could ask anything. And she did always answer.

Thanks for reading.

I am glad to inspire snorts.

I'm glad it made you laugh. Thanks for reading.

If your mother claimed to not know why the woman did not bite, did she indicate the approximate age that you would be when you would understand and whether that age would be higher than hers?

I think Mom knew why the woman would not have bitten, but didn't want to go into that kind of detail over the dishes.

That's priceless. And your question about biting is totally reasonable.

I thought it was the logical thing to do if she didn't like it. Though I now understand that it could be a bit extreme.

very amusing. I may never use hear the word 'perform' again without a smile.

Then my work here is done. heh.
Glad you enjoyed it.

Awesome story - sounds like you had a very cool mom!

I shall use my new icon in your honor! =)

My mom was awesome, she really did answer every question I ever asked her, no matter how embarrassing.

I love your icon! so cool!