Our top story is the ongoing overcrowding problem. Souls are currently backed up beyond purgatory waiting to get in. The Powers That Be have therefore started a new program they’re calling the Sartre Initiative. While waiting for contractors to complete the extensions of the sandy plains or thorny trees, incoming souls are being gathered in small groups in benign waiting rooms. This program is proving very successful thus far, and there has been agitation to make this the new standard. The whip-bearing demons are particularly vocal in favor of this Initiative, as it allows them occasional coffee breaks.
In health news the actual spread of Ebola on earth is moving very slowly, but the uninformed panic about Ebola is swinging many souls’ balance to our favor. Also the contest to name the next pandemic is still on; please submit your ideas to this station.
In business, the soul market is down, owing to the current commodity glut. Belial Financiers was caught bundling souls that had become toxic in with their regular offerings in a move that was called despicable and shameful by The Powers That Be. As a result Belial Financiers has been made the official soul bank of Dis, and several of their executives will be sacrificed next week in celebration.
The general weather continues to be hot. Damn hot. In the center of things, however, the weather is frigid. There is no change in the forecast for the foreseeable future.
Traffic has improved considerably since the installation of Escher’s clover leafs, or at least traffic now moves forward at irregular intervals giving the impression of improvement.
This is Kali Jones with the news on ZHELL. I now return you to the regularly scheduled program, “It’s a Small World” sung by adorable toddlers who almost know the words and are nearly in tune, forever.
*The City of Dis encompasses circles 7-9 of Dante’s Hell, and DIS is also the NYSE abbreviation for the Walt Disney Company. Coincidence? You decide. Go here to read other folks' take on disinformation for this week.*